Oak and I – when you left

I hoped this diary would have been long and endless, the story of my baby and me.

But the universe had other plans for us.

I’ve broken down our story in a few chapters. I hope to inspire families, women, birth keepers and keeper of death too.

You can read the very beginning of this story when Baby Oak came and nested into my womb here.

……

The night before you left we played our drum. I’ve noticed some signs you might be going that night .. and so we sat on the floor and played.. and we told you how much we loved you already .. We invited you to stay if that was meant to be. My heart was begging you to stay.. I didn’t give a shit about bloody universe’s plan. I just wanted you to stay. I prayed.

I wanted time to stop. I never wanted to fall asleep and the day after to come.. I wanted some more time together.

That night I had a Miscarriage.

…..

I woke up in pain, I hoped it was a bad dream; But it was all true, my womb was hurting for real.

I can still hear myself crying, at 03:06, when I came back from the toilet.

Drops of blood dripping, like watercolour in the water.

My womb was bleeding, My heart broken into pieces.

My breast was suddenly soft and empty.

I had no voice.

I went to bed and cried, Matt was holding me tight. Our hearts were beating at one if only that was possible. How can a broken heart still beat?

I can still feel the pain, is still there, who knows if it will ever leave.

The pain was buried, in the deepest of my soul. A black hole was surrounding my spirit, like a vortex;  I reached for the light, but I coudnt’t see.

I could feel Matt’s love, I held on it. I could feel the warmth of our bodies. It felt safe. I knew  I could let go and reach the deepest of the darkest place. I know our love was holding the space in this rapid fall into pain.. and so I fell.

Occasionally  I emerged. Breathed some light forgot for a few minutes. Love was always there..

I went back to the toilet. My womb was still crying. Droplets of blood in the water, making shapes and shades.

I went back to bed, more hugs more love I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up in the morning. I remember it wasn’t a dream. It is real, vivid, and painful.

My eyes were open, but I was n’t this space or this time. My spirit was lost in the universe.

…..

I informed some of my family.

They said things I coudn’t hear, or maybe I wasn’t  listening. The said their sweetest words. I could hear nothing. Letters were floating in the air.

I hoped nobody would say “it was very early”, my mum said that. But that’s ok.

Miscarriage is too unspoken like a little secret is better not to say. If it’s early maybe it doesn’t count? When you consider too early or too late? Should I not be sad because it was only a few weeks ? not sure?  1:4 pregnancies end with a miscarriage that is considered normal. Normal?

Your baby, admittedly extra tiny small, like a poppy seed, leaving your womb.. Is that a normal thing for anyone? I was angry.

In my head passed the idea I’ve done something wrong, maybe my body is broken or is not working correctly, or perhaps I can’t be a mother.

Alice said you are a mother now. That will never change.

….

I’m a Mother. I’ve been chosen by a soul to be a mother and Matt to be a father.

Oh, tiny seed.

I honour you, and I honour your soul I honour jour journey.

Thank you for coming and stay for a few weeks.

Thank you for teaching us love is all, and it heals, it will heal our broken hearts.

Thanks to you I could smell flowers miles away and wild nature. Thanks for awakening my primal instincts.

OH, little seed you are forever loved.

We went to the wood.. everything was grey, nature was silent and sad, and so we were.

Continue reading our story:
Oak and I – when i remembered my body knows
Oak and I – when we said goodbye
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