I knew I was carrying you from the day you found me, but I couldn’t quite believe it.
I was on shift on labour ward, on that day I witnessed 2 births.
I loved Phoenix’s Birth particularly.
Her mother Rihan was roaring like a lioness, she was wild and beautiful, She laboured quickly, at every wave I could feel the birth energy breaking through. Her heart was open, her body was opening and so mine. My eyes watery all labour. I do often cry at birth, but not during labour.
This time I couldn’t stop.
The love in the room was overwhelming, and it was raw and vivid. My hands were tingling, baby Phoenix was so welcome, his mama was calling him out, his papa Jack was holding the space for them, he was also very emotional at all time. Jack was telling Rihan how beautiful she was.
She was smiling in between contraction, her eyes reaching for the universe, and her voice was grounded to the earth at every surge.
OH, I couldn’t be more honoured to be there and feel the power of birth and love. The sunbeams were shining in the window, it was so magical.
Rihan sometimes would say: ” I can’t do it” and so I replied: “Oh my dear love, you are so powerful, you are already doing it so beautifully, you can do it – say Yes to your body, say Yes to your baby” And she would say “ YES, you are right: I’m powerful. I’m strong.”
She pushed for a while, not very long before they were ready to meet. Phoenix arrived on the earthside, like a falling star from the universe.
I held him at first, whit mindful hands, a sacred touch, the very first he felt in his life, I’m so honoured. I passed him to his mama. He was perfect, their bodies and souls were finally together, and it felt like they knew each other for a very long time. The wisest gaze, both observing each other – that moment was timeless. An encounter of three souls forever bounded with love.
I cried again quietly.
On that day, I thought a soul just nested into my womb.
The day after my head was somewhere very far, not in this space, not in this time.
I felt like lots of birds and butterflies and bees fluttering about and buzzing into my brain. I couldn’t really do much about it apart from forcing myself to be present and careful because I was driving around and also working, I had two more Home births that day. My heart exploded with love and passion for this job that I do, I felt so lucky.
My head buzzed all week.
I saw Alice, and she did a pendulum on my belly, she asked the universe if I was pregnant, and so I did, both times the pendulum said yes.
The fool and 2 of cup.
The fool is the first arcana and in this deck is a duckling. It is about a new beginning, starting a new journey with the innocence of a baby duck leaving the nest and learning to fly. It said, “the journey has already begun”.
The 2 of cup is about connection and love. This card appears when new love is heading your way. It said at the end: “open your heart and get ready”.
I was happy inside, but I couldn’t trust my intuition and the signs from the universe, I was scared to be disappointed and wrong, How crazy is that? I learnt my intuition was always right a long time ago. But this thing was too big, and my heart would have broken if it was not true. And so I waited.
Meantime my head was still travelling the universe, and sometimes I would feel suddenly the smell of something different, very strong, would take me back to this reality.
Every night I lighted a candle on my altar and smudged. I would ask the mothers of the universe if there was a baby coming through, to show him or her way, and help him to find my womb. I invited him to come and stay with us.
The day my moon was due I was so thirsty, and there was so much saliva in my mouth that I kept spitting to people while I was talking.
Funnily enough, the day before I had my appraisal with my manager; I forgot the paper somewhere, I apologised to Jo, my manager and told her I was very forgetful, she asked me if I was pregnant. I said to her that my period was due soon, but we were trying for a baby. We had a chat, and she told me about her pregnancy and that one of the first symptoms was the abundance of saliva.
I was driving home thinking about all this signs and symptoms; still, I couldn’t believe it was true. I figured if I’m not pregnant I probably have a brain tumour. Then I remembered there are like 8 planets retrograde and it’s the eclipse season and the new moon coming soon.. so I thought my head was buzzing because of that.
I was too impatient to wait for the next day for my period to be missed or not. I told Matt I wanted to do a pregnancy test.
We had dinner, and we did it. I was thrilled, and my heart was going so fast. I peed in a cup and handed it to Matt who carefully prepared the stripe.
For once I followed the instructions. My heart was beating faster and faster.
The first line becomes purple in 1 second. It felt like hours, but after a few seconds I couldn’t see any other line, I was a bit sad. Matt also thought it was negative. I said Fine is negative. My heart immediately slowed down.
We held each other.
After one minute or two, I could see a very pale line. I thought I was going a bit nutter and starting to have some hallucination. Matt wasn’t sure.
We did another test, we follow the instructions even better, if that was even possible, timing everything. The results were the same, 2 lines one of them was very pale.
My midwife head was telling me, yes its positive, just your period is not even missed, and the level of pregnancy hormone is not very high., it all makes perfect sense; also false negative is possible, false positive is not very likely.
I was still ignoring the signs of the universe, the symptoms and the positive tests (x2).
I sent a picture of the test to Alice. And called her and she was screaming at the phone “oh yes you are pregnant !!!!!”
Me and Matt, still not too sure.
We went to Asda: Matt bought some cigarettes, some calm pills, a wooden spoon and a clear blue test ( the one you can do 6 days before your missed period), what a bizarre shopping basket.
We got home, I was excited again. I peed in the same cup, put the stick in, timed it, and covered it.
We waited for 3 minutes and 20 seconds before looking. When we looked, Matt was holding me.
He said you are going to be a mummy. I started laughing, and we hugged and then started crying very very loudly. I told him I wanted my mum. So we video called her. I couldn’t talk I was crying and crying, she started panicking and asking what was wrong. I said nothing and kept crying.
Finally, Matt said we had good news, and she showed her the positive test. She was so happy and so my dad. I couldn’t stop crying.
And so our journey has begun.
I lighted a candle and thanked the universe and the Mothers and this Soul for choosing us, for choosing my body.
Oh, my precious one. You are the child of the earth, I’m honoured to be your mother, I honour your journey and your life, and I hope you’ll stay with us, you are loved and so very welcome, please stay with us.
I hoped this diary would have been long and endless, the story of my baby and me.
But the universe had other plans for us.
I’ve broken down our story in a few chapters. I hope to inspire families, women, birth keepers and keeper of death too.
It is sad, raw, but also powerful and sacred, continue reading our story here if you like